It's been more than 2 months since my last post! I think I knew that my posts would dwindle once my Masters courses started, but I truly had no idea how insanely busy I would be!! The past two months have been NUTS! On top of a full time job, two kids playing basketball, one in dance, a dog, a house, and all the other stuff; I've added a class to my life. I was amazed to find that I had to do a full day observation at another school for the course, and that I would spend 10 hours a week on it. It's been a struggle, but I'm doing it! The real test will be this week....conferences, family, AND the course work! If I can make it through this week I can make it until graduation!
After two months you would think I have tons of fun things to say, and lots of news to share, but I don't. We've enjoyed lots of basketball games, a busy classroom preparing for the Kansas State Reading Assessments in 3 weeks, and class work. Tonight I realized I had 5 whole hours of free time. I finished my course work and couldn't work on my student progress reports for our upcoming P/T conferences because they were at school. I had the whole evening to relax and enjoy.....but I couldn't! I've become so accustomed to being busy; I've felt on edge all evening with all of this free time. I just don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I should be doing something useful, something that will help me out later in the week, but for the life of me I can't think of what that might be. I'm completely frustrated with my inability to relax!
It makes me acutely aware of how much I need to take more time for myself. I am constantly saying how much I need to get back to yoga and running, but I don't make the time. How is it we know what we need, but we won't do it. I will make time for almost anyone in my life, do whatever is best for the people I love, but I won't do it for myself.....why is that?
I think it's high time I found a few hours to go after what I miss! I miss being pain free on the weekdays. I get this horrible pain in my left shoulder/neck every Monday by the middle of the day, and it lasts until Friday night. It can be unbearable at times and difficult to move, or it can be mild and just a nuisance....but it's always there! It's gone all weekend, and then it's back again on Monday and sticks around until Friday. I miss running! I'm craving it and I literally dream about it at night, but I do nothing about it in my waking hours. I miss meditating. My crazy, busy, mixed up mind needs it desperately, but again, I do nothing about it. I miss hand holding. I can't remember the last time somebody reached out to hold my hand. I miss happiness and contentment in my job. It's been almost 3 years since I've had it and I just can't seem to get it back no matter how hard I try. I miss having a social life. It's been about 6 years since I've had any real social life. I don't know how that happened, but I rarely (like seriously....almost never) do something that doesn't involve work or my children.
I know all of this is a product of stress and fatigue. I know once school is out and I get a little more free time I will feel better. I know I have thousands of things to be thankful for and a pretty terrific life. Tonight however, I missing a few things that just might make life a little sweeter. Tonight I'm wondering if perhaps, I need to make time for happiness and quit working so darn hard!
Sick of Faking It
39 minutes ago